Its Hard To Forgive Myself
by dool-sville-passions
Summary: Serenas world is crumbling around her NS


How could she?

Was she so self abosrbed that she couldn't even find time to respect a mans morals and vows to his wife on thier wedding day?

Did she really think that because his wife had lied to him and manipulated him and didn't care what he stood for she should get involved with him?

Yes.

She did, and the worst part was she continued lying to herself, she almost couldn't help what had happend between her and Tripp.

Carter was gone, and ever since than she had been trying to find things to make her happy. Since nobody was there to do that for her anymore. It was so terrible that even though she hated Blair right now, she loved her more than anyone and anything. It was mutual of cource. Blair was wrong to do what she did to Serena, but that wasn't the reason Serena wouldn't talk to her. She couldn't face her. Blair knew Serena better than Serena knew herself.

The night of Tripp and his familys election party. Blair and her had gotten into a huge fight. Blair told Serena that she was trying to run, because Serena could never stop. When Serena came back, she tried to change. But she can never stop running.

Serena doesnt even think she has the right to tell Blair that they arent speaking or to be rude to her, but she has to be. Because if she doesnt, Blair will run back to her like they always run back to each other because their sisters than Blair will comfort Serena from what shes become from what she really is and that can't happen because Serena hates herself.

She opens her eyes after Tripp kisses her, and she knows he felt something. But it's so wrong that to even think about anything happening is just awful. But something already happend and Serena was so ashamed.

"I'm sorry." Serena says her voice threatning to break.

"It's my fault." Tripp says. "This was a huge mistake."

"You have a wife, and I just did something really stupid. You're stressed and stress makes people do stupid stupid things. I know because I do stupid things all the time and i'm never stressed." She babbles. "That just never happend, okay?"

Tripp is a man of morales. He could never betray what he believed and what he always believed in was always the right thing. But lately everything was crazy, his wife had played dirty. His own wife. His other half. His better half. She knew what he would think, that his Grandfather was responsible for it, and that's exactly what she wanted. This world, lies, dirty politics, It got to her. But he had just done something worse. How could he be mad now?

"Thank You Serena, I don't know what I was thinking." He rubbed his eyes.

She put her hand on his arm and smiled, "Tripp don't worry about it. But I have to go, I'll call you."

She knew that she had felt something from that kiss, but Tripp? He had Maureen, and she disrespected everything he stood for, it made him to do something stupid. Tempers always do. So she ran, as if that was anything different. She tried to hide from what she'd done, and next time she saw Tripp she would have hidden it so well, even they wouldn't believe it really happend.

Scandal always followed Serena, but this was Nate's cousin, someone he respected and loved. How could she still be thinking about Tripp? But than she remembered.

Nate.

She hated Nate right now, but compared to what she had just done, it didn't matter. So she pulled out her phone, and looked at his name. As if, if she kept looking that Nate would just call her and apologize and than maybe someone else could make her happy. But Blair had said, She lost Nate. She ran when she thought she would lose Carter because he made her so happy, and how could she let anyone take that from her?

Serena didnt have the strength to be self rigtheous right now, so she ran. To Nate.

After only one knock, she got scared that he wouldn't be there, so she started to knock louder. He opened the door, in pajamas and she couldn't help but break a little.

This was so Nate, he probably had ice cream in there too.

"What do you think you're doing here?" He asked because it was so obvious he hated her now.

"Let me in Nate, I want to talk." After he just stared at her for a couple seconds she added, "Please"

So he moved out of the way and let her in. Just like he knew he would as soon as he opened the door and saw her there. It was so much easier to be mad at Serena, than to be in love with her. Because when he was mad at her, he could make her feel bad, like she had when he saw her with boys. Because if she needed him, she would come to him. Because when he was mad at her, it didn't hurt so bad to love her. Nate hadn't had feelings for her for a long time now, but he was always in love with her.

You can never forget your first love.

It was a good thing that he wasn't even thinking about that right now, he was just mad that she was there thinking she could show up to his home like they didn't hate each other. Because if thats what she thought she was wrong, because there was still bad blood between them. She had put Nate, Tripp, and Grandfather under so much preassure by telling P J about what The Van Der Bilts were planning.

"So talk." He said crossing his arms.

He hadn't even asked her to sit, he had his back faced to the door, and she was standing in front of him.

"I'm so sorry Nate I -"

"Stop, Serena. I don't even want to hear it. What's done is done. Carter still left, and because of your own selfish thoughts you put Tripps entire campaign in jeoperdy. I know its not all your fault Serena because I didnt want to have to lie to you, It was wrong.. I know that but I just cant forgive you right now." Nate said seriously.

It was almost like Serena couldn't even believe everything was falling apart so quickly. Blair hated her, Nate hated her, and she and Tripp had kissed. How could she have lost so much?

"I did what I did because I had to. I couldn't lose Carter. I didnt want him to leave. Wouldnt you do the same thing for someone you really liked? But now, everything is so bad, and I'm so alone and I have no one to comfort me. I lost my best friends, my dignity, and I dont know what to do. Im so scared of this person that I am, and im so centred around myself that I just keep making mistakes but I never meant to hurt you. I just didnt want to get hurt. How can you be mad at me? How can you not care if I come to your apartment apologizing? Why dont you forgive me? Because I dont want to lose you Nate. Please dont make me lose you."

She started crying but only a little. Because if Nate didnt want anything to do with her, she was to weak to cry in front of him.

When he just looked at her like he cared but not enough, she started to wipe her eyes. "Im sorry, I guess you really dont want anything to do with me now." She walked past him to leave.

But he grabbed her hand, because he couldnt let her leave he couldnt let her cry. Suddendly, Nate didnt care what Serena did because she came to him. She came to him broken and she wanted him to fix her and now she was leaving unfixedand he could let her leave. His friendship with Serena meant the world to him, and now that he thought about it, he didnt want to lose her either. But seeing her crying because of him broke him too, because he loves Serena.

Always Have Always Will.

He pulled her into a hug and comforted her and she cried into his shoulder.

''You dont have to forgive me. Im a horrible person and a worse friend. I dont even deserve for you to think about talking to me.'' She said doing her best to catch her breath.

''I cant be mad at you for that long. I never could.''

Serena just stayed in his arms.

Blair was right about Serena, she always was. But Serena didnt want to think about that right now, She didnt want to think about her deciet, and she didnt want to think about her world crumbling around her. Blair Waldorf always loves Serena and she knows more about Serena than Serena knows about herself so she knows more than anyone thats who Serena Van Der Woodsen is.

The girl trying to live without a past.


End file.
